Russ Ray

Trying to become more like Jesus

August SPAM of the Month Club

2 Comments

Here are the June and July entries, and now, this month:


From: STANDARD CHARTERED BANK PLC. <Mail@multimagnus.dk>
To:
Sent: Wednesday, July 27, 2011 5:42 AM
Subject: STANDARD CHARTERED BANK PLC.

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARDS DEPARTMENT
STANDARD CHARTERED BANK PLC.
1 Basinghall Ave
City of London EC2V 5DD, United Kingdom
http://www.standardchartered.com

ATTN:

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

ACTUALLY, I’M FEELING KIND OF POOPY. I’VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE WITH IRREGULARITY LATELY.

DID YOU  AUTHORIZE ONE MR. JOHN WHO PRESENTED DOCUMENT OF CLAIM PURPORTED TO HAVE SIGNED BY YOU  FOR THE RELEASED OF YOUR PAYMENT TO HIS  BANK ACCOUNT?

YES, BUT DON’T LET HIM HEAR YOU CALL HIM “MISTER”. HIS REAL TITLE IS DR. JOHN. IN FACT, HE MIGHT BE A KNIGHT NOW SINCE HE’S IN THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME, SO I GUESS YOU’D HAVE TO CALL HIM “SIR ELTON” OR “YOUR MAJESTY” OR SOMETHING. SINCE YOU’RE BRITISH AND ALL, YOU PROBABLY KNOW BETTER THAN ME.

PLEASE RECONFIRM BACK TO ME

WAIT, CAN WE STOP SHOUTING NOW?

TO AVOID

OKAY, WELL… I GUESS WE WON’T STOP SHOUTING NOW.

ANY  IRREGULARITIES

WELL, LIKE I SAID, I’VE BEEN FEELING KIND OF POOPY LATELY, BUT I THINK IT’S MY DIET. I EAT 100% ALL-BRAN CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST, TACO BELL FOR LUNCH AND WHITE CASTLE FOR DINNER. SOMETIMES I MIX IN A SALAD AND A COLON IRRIGATION.

AS YOUR PAYMENT  IS NOW READY TO BE TRANSFERRED

WAIT, FORGET THAT PART WHERE I MENTIONED A COLON IRRIGATION. I’M NOT REALLY INTO THAT. I FORGOT THAT THIS IS GOING OUT ALL OVER THE INTERNET. I DON’T REALLY WANT PEOPLE THINKING THAT I STICK EVIAN WATER, COFFEE GROUNDS AND MINT LEAVES UP MY HOO-HA.

(BASED ON  URGENT  INSTRUCTIONS

I MEAN, NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, IF THAT’S YOUR THING AND ALL. THAT’S JUST NOT SOMETHING THAT I WOULD EVER DO. SO FAR AS YOU KNOW.

RECEIVED  THIS MORNING FROM THE PRESIDENCY  OFFICE).

WAIT A MINUTE… ARE WE STILL YELLING? I’M GOING TO GET HOARSE SOON.

TO THAT EFFECT , YOU  ARE  ADVISED NOT TO RESPOND

SPEAKING OF HORSE MEAT, BACK TO THAT TACO BELL AND WHITE CASTLE DIET THING… I CAN TELL YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T SHOWER 6 TIMES A DAY, THE ALL BRAN/TACO BELL/WHITE CASTLE/NOT COLONIC DIET CAN MAKE YOU SMELL NOT-SO-FRESH.

TO  ANY EMAIL, CALL OR  FAX CONCERNING YOUR FUND FROM ANY BODY WHO CLAIM TO BE ME OR YOUR AGENT

REMEMBER WHEN TACO BELL TOOK OUT THOSE FULL PAGE ADS IN NEWSPAPERS ABOUT THE HORSE MEAT IN THEIR TACOS? YOU NEVER SEE MCDONALD’S OR BURGER KING OR WENDY’S TAKE OUT ADS TELLING PEOPLE THERE ISN’T HORSE MEAT IN THEIR HAMBURGERS. JUST SAYIN’…

AS YOUR FUND IS NOW READY TO BE TRANSFERRED  IMMEDIATELY BY THE  AUTHORITIES  OF THIS OFFICE.

WAIT, WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING?

YOU ARE WARNED AND ADVISED TO FOLLOW-UP INSTRUCTIONS AS REGARDS TO YOUR  FUND.

NOW, EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. I KNOW YOU’RE BRITISH, SO YOU GUYS LIKE WEIRD FOOD TOO. DON’T YOU GUYS EAT LIKE BLOOD SAUSAGES AND HAGGIS AND HORSEBURGERS AND STUFF LIKE THAT?

YOUR PAYMENT REF.# IS, (000999/UKBB/7535/2009.) AND YOUR WORD  CODE #  (10777)  FOR THE SECURITY OF YOUR FUND,

SO, WHO THE HECK ARE YOU TO TALK ABOUT ME EATING AT A FAST FOOD PLACE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE? I MEAN, DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT I’M AN AMERICAN AND THERE WAS A LITTLE THING CALLED THE REVOLUTION WHERE WE SENT YOUR TEA AND YOUR STAMP TAXES AND YOUR KING GEORGE ON A BOAT BACK TO CHINA?

ANY EMAIL, CALL OR FAXES  WITH OUT YOUR PAYMENT NUMBERS AS STATED ABOVE ,

NOT TO MENTION BAILING YOU OUT SO GERMANY DIDN’T TURN ENGLAND INTO FARTHER-WEST GERMANY…

SHOULD BE DISREGARDED IMMEDIATELY .

I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY, BUT I HAVE TO CONFESS: MY KNOWLEDGE OF AMERICAN HISTORY IS WHAT I LEARNED FROM SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK. REMIND ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY OF HOW LEWIS AND CLARK AND SPEED BUGGY VENTURED OUT WEST TO SEARCH FOR THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN.

GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY TO LET ME KNOW IF  YOU DID AUTHORIZE? HIM TO  HAVE YOUR FUND.

OH, SURE… LET THUNDARR HAVE THE FUND. I MEAN, HE IS A BARBARIAN, AFTER ALL, AND HE LIVES IN A DYSTOPIAN FUTURE WHERE FUNDS ARE PROBABLY WORTHLESS, BUT HEY… IF IT HELPS THE GUY BE ABLE TO AFFORD A PAIR OF PANTS, I’M ALL FOR IT.

ALSO RECONFIRM TO ME YOUR  DIRECT PHONE NUMBER I CALL YOU FOR MORE INFORMATION.

YOU DO REALIZE THAT WE’VE BEEN SCREAMING FOR THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION, DON’T YOU? I MEAN, I THINK THAT THERE IS MODERN TECHNOLOGY THAT HAS EXISTED SINCE THE INVENTION OF THE TELEPHONE THAT ALLOWS YOUR VOICE TO BE HEARD OVER GREAT DISTANCES WITHOUT THE NEED FOR SHOUTING. IT’S NOT AS IF YOU HAVE TO PROPEL THE SOUND WAVES ACROSS THE ATLANTIC ON YOUR OWN, YOU KNOW.

I WILL BE WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.

WAIT, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?

REGARDS,
MICHEAL WOODGATE,
Executive Director Standard Chartered Bank London Plc.

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2 thoughts on “August SPAM of the Month Club

  1. Awesome SPAM post!
    I can’t believe I just said that!

  2. My favorite one so far!

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