Russ Ray

Trying to become more like Jesus

We could have had lettuce wraps


“Then after all your evil—Woe, woe to you!”—the declaration of the Lord GOD — “you built yourself a mound and made yourself an elevated place in every square. You built your elevated place at the head of every street and turned your beauty into an abomination. You spread your legs to everyone who passed by and increased your prostitution. You engaged in promiscuous acts with Egyptian men, your well-endowed neighbors, and increased your prostitution to provoke Me to anger.—Ezekiel 16:23-26 (HCSB)

The last time I darkened the doorway of PF Chang’s was several years ago. My wife doesn’t like them, and there isn’t really a convenient location close to us. It’s been so long since I’ve been there that I really don’t know if I would drive out of my way to eat there. I would pass about 40 other Chinese restaurants with more salmonella character and MSG earthiness on my way and just give up at whatever #8 Lucky Jumbo Dragon Super New China Wok that I came across.

Ironically, as I type this, there’s a commercial for PF Chang’s freezer meals on TV. Hm.

PF Chang’s could have been the topic that Knox McCoy built around in his recent e-book Jesus and the Bachelorette: Finding Christ Among Roses, Tanned Bodies, and Hyperbole. For obvious reasons, he really couldn’t metaphorically compared Jesus breaking bread to lettuce wraps (too squishy) or the centurion whose ear was cut off by Peter to General Tso (too obscure). So, instead, he compares Jesus to the Bachelorette (really The Bachelor and The Bachelorette), two shows I absolutely hate.

  1. Every commercial for The Bachelor/ette (a helpful abbreviation that McCoy coined) sets off every internal Covenant Eyes alarm that I have oh no here’s one again call your accountability partners call the elders call the pastor don’t let your wife catch you looking at the chicks in bikinis oh my goodness I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see a commercial for  Final Destination 5 in my life now that’s finally over.
  2. The show seemingly finds the best-looking dregs of society to participate. These people with no shame don’t mind stripping down in front of America and looking foolish via film editing or their own moronic attempts to get over (like the guy who wore the mask… you probably know his name if you watch the show, but I probably was too busy to pay attention because I had to floss my teeth or caulk the windows that night).
  3. Around here, Monday nights are for wrestling and WWE… or Dancing with the Stars, but mostly wrestling. If guys are taking their shirts off to impress some bimbo, they better be in spandex underwear hitting each other with a suplex or an arm drag or something in a totally non-gay way not like I described.

So, if Knox’s book was just about The Bachelor/ette, then this would probably be the end of the review. But just when you think that it’s all about roses and exotic trips and some guy meeting some girl’s parents and not telling them that they’ll see him making out with their little girl 8 weeks from now, he takes an absolute left turn and puts together an unbelievably humorous commentary on Christians, the church, and that holier-than-thou attitude I had in bullet #2 up there.

The show is about love. Jesus is about real love… not the kind of love that the show manufactures only to fizzle out in the tabloids. As I read the book, I could tell Knox cares about both the way we represent Jesus as Christians and in the way we gather together every Sunday morning. He does this in a funny, pop cultured way to get a chuckle out of you, and then in the next moment you’re thinking, “Wow, we really do act like that in church,” or “Maybe I should stop being such a self-absorbed prick and be a listening ear for people that have real pain in their lives.”

Or even, “Maybe this Bachelor/ette show isn’t so bad after all.”

Nah… I wouldn’t go that far… but I would definitely recommend that you pick up Knox’s e-book. Only $4.99.

Do you watch The Bachelor/ette? Do you love it or hate it?

Special thanks to Jessica Buttram for the review copy of the book.


7 thoughts on “We could have had lettuce wraps

  1. I hate that show but I love Knox’s writing. He’s funny.

  2. A. The lettuce wraps alone are worth the 40 minute drive. GUARANTEED.

    B. This is a great review. Thanks for the shout-out!

    C. Knox’s recaps made me wish I watched The Bachelor/ette. I even tried to piggy back on the last few episodes but couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it.

  3. Eh… you lost me at “lettuce”. Maybe they should wrap something in pizza or Crisco instead?

  4. PF Chang’s makes me ill. Tastes great, and then I pay for it all night long.

    Gonna take something more than lettuce wraps to make that sound good!

    I’m halfway through Knox’s book. Loving the humor, but I can never watch that show. Not even for Knox.

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