Russ Ray

Trying to become more like Jesus

October SPAM of the Month Club

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You know the drill. If not, check out the other SPAM of the Month Club posts.


From: Best-Pens
Sent: Thursday, January 1, 2004 12:05 AM

Wow, it’s like the people of the year 2004 decided one day to communicate with people in the future! And they’re using their best pens to do so!

Let me stop for a moment and put on my “Future-Russ” cap to impress the people of the past with the current styles of 2011.

There we go. Now you may continue.

Subject: Max-Gentleman*Enlargement*Pills

Well, wait a minute there, Chief… I appreciate you calling me a gentleman, but I don’t really think that I need to be any larger. After all, I’m over 6-feet-tall and when I step on the Wii Fit board, it groans at me, which can’t be good.

Oh… I forgot that in 2004 that the Wii Fit hasn’t been invented yet.

Let me try and put it into 2004 terms that you the people from your time can understand… let’s say that in 2011 that there is a Dance Dance Revolution game for a video game system that Nintendo invented called the Wii that doesn’t suck too bad.

Wait, no… it’s not pronounced “Whyyyyyyyyyy-iy-iy”. It’s pronounced “Wheeeeeeeee”.

No, I don’t know why they spelled it that way. Nintendo is made in Japan, so that should be enough of an explanation for you.

So, anyway, Wii Fit is a game that’s kind of like DDR, but you’re not really supposed to dance on the board. Or jump on it. Unless you want a big lecture from the video game about jumping on it. Probably goes back to that whole thing where it groans when you stand on it.

If that’s not crazy enough for you, you don’t play the Wii with a controller like the PlayStation or XBOX… you hold a little stick and wave it around. So, you can pretend to bowl or play tennis or baseball by just waving the stick around and trying to hit the ball on the screen.

The downside to all this is that they realized that you have to put a strap around your wrist when you play, or stuff like this will happen:

Pretty cool video game, huh? Well, anyway, I’m glad I was able to enlighten you a little bit on some of the wonders of your future technology. And, that’s just 2006! You haven’t even gotten to 2007 and the release of the iPhone!

Okay, now I know I’m telling you too much about the future. I had better stop breaking the Prime Directive, but here is the deal with the iPhone. It’s like a computer that you carry around in your pocket with you. You can check your email on it, surf the web, watch YouTube videos, play games…

Well, not with the first version. Definitely don’t wait around the block like all those other Apple first-adopter hippie granola Panera-eating scum that first season… wait until the second one comes out so you can download games and apps and fun stuff like that.

Guess what? It even makes phone calls!

Only two downsides… it’s made by Apple and you have to use it with AT&T’s crappy network. If you want to use it on Verizon, you’ll have to wait four years, but by then, Droids will be out, so if you’re on Verizon, you can have one of those instead.

No, these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s a little bit of future humor, folks.

Speaking of droids, in 2011, George Lucas will mess with the Star Wars movies AGAIN. Do not give in to the urge to purchase his movies on Blu-Ray. He has officially turned to the Dark Side. Thankfully, I have unedited versions of the original three movies on DVD that I never watch.

What’s Blu-Ray you ask? See, that’s another thing to look forward to in 2006. It’s like a next-generation DVD. The problem is that there will also be a competing next-generation DVD called an HD DVD. Sony and Blu-Ray win, so the HD DVD becomes the modern equivalent to Betamax.

You DO know what Betamax is, don’t you?

Anyway, enough about all this… please continue with your message from the past.

MaxGentleman Enlargement Pills have been featured across major media outlets around the world, including ESP and Fox News, with dozens of positive reviews.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

This is the only Male enlargement supplement that has been PROVEN in clinical trials to enlarge your peni…

WHOA WHOA WHOA THERE!!!!

What kind of fruit stand do you think this is?!?!?!?!?

You have a window of opportunity to speak with Future-Russ, and instead of asking about your future… where we have the first African-American president… where technology has moved us leaps and bounds ahead of where we were when you Cro-Magnons from 2004 were running things… you use that opportunity to try and sell me… PILLS?

(Pills that I don’t even need by the way. I’m quite satisfied with how… enlarged I am.)

I am utterly revolted and you have lost all your Future-Russ access. Goodbye. Next email, please…

From: Enlargement supplement Free Sample
Subject: Make her the queen of the world

She revealed herself to me
Buy now Viagra Cialis ! Viagra is a new life .
Free ED Trial Pack. 100mg x 180 Tabs Viagra ONLY $196, FDA approved – Accepting VISA or eCheck ONLY!

Sigh…

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