Russ Ray

Trying to become more like Jesus

Another obligatory Valentine’s Day hangover

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Right after I posted this last week, I checked my email, and I found a little heart that Yahoo! Mail provided to Autocompose a Valentine. So, I sent about 17 of these to my wife, and here are the funniest lines:

To my ray of sunshine,

I am hopelessly distracted by thoughts of you. Your generosity has made the world a better place. You are simply luminous; a goddess among women. I would give up chocolate forever in exchange for five more minutes with you.

Longingly,
Russell

Already, she has to know this is fake. I never use my real name.

To my little lamb, When we are apart, the color is gone from the world.

Actually, that’s not true… it turns sepia like in The Wizard of Oz.

Mon petit cabbage,

Because nothing says love like calling your wife a hard, leafy, round vegetable that usually gets cooked with corned beef and eaten on St. Patrick’s Day.

Your touch makes my pulse accelerate.

If I ever have a heart attack, you know who to blame.

When you are away, even the birds cannot find their song.

Check between the couch cushions. That’s usually where our kids lose stuff.

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.

But if they did, you know who to blame.

I would give up chocolate forever in exchange for five more minutes with you.

At this point, I started realizing that the Autocompose function started to repeat itself. However, this is a true statement. I would give up chocolate. Notice that it didn’t say anything like pizza or nachos…

Your face could launch 1,000 ships.

I’ve never understood how that could be considered romantic. “Oh, dear… you’re so beautiful that the boats just couldn’t get away from you fast enough!” Let’s scratch this one from the list from now on…

The warmth of your love could protect me from the harshest winter.

This is true. We’ve actually tested this one this year.

Your face has inspired a thousand works of art.

And none of them were on bathroom walls.

A thousand painters could not capture your beauty.

We just covered this one, but I hope these are separate works of art and not like one gigantic one that can be seen from space.

You make me feel as though I could fly.

But I can’t, so if it’s ever revealed that I tried to fly on my own and failed, you know who to blame.

You make me feel like a natural woman.

Maybe no one never told Yahoo! the difference between boys and girls?

Seriously, when I went shopping for a card for my wife last week, most of them were full of this syrupy crap that I would never say in real life and would be nearly embarrassed to hand to my wife in heart-shaped cardstock form. However, there were several that hit the nail on the head:

Your generosity has made the world a better place.

Your laugh is more delightful than a summer afternoon.

Your kindness is unparalleled.

Your smile is more radiant than the sun.

My lifelong goal will be to fulfill your every wish.

I feel sorry for those who do not know the life-changing love we share.

I felt a little bit guilty that I didn’t go into more detail about her on Friday, but I tried to let her and our girls know otherwise how much I love them. I sent a team mascot (a giant red bear in a baseball jersey) to the house to deliver her and the kids some gifts, and we’ve gotten to spend a nearly quiet night out together (the church babysitting night wouldn’t take our youngest).

So to her, for the last time in 2014, I’ll say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” but not for the last time, “I love you!”

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